MACHETE: What! No Oscar Nominations?

IS MACHETE!!

For best performance by an actor in a lead role... Danny Trejo; Machete... wouldn't that be way cool? I just watched this new macho classic; MACHETE. My old friend Bill, had highly recommended this flick, and I had really meant to catch it in the theater... well, it came out this week on DVD! And for me, MACHETE did not disappoint! Based on a phony 70's exploitation trailer featured in director Robert Rodriguez's 2007 grindhouse feature; PLANET TERROR. The bogus trailer proved to be more popular than his actual movie!

Director Rodriguez and Danny Trejo.

Rodriguez wisely decided to finally give Danny Trejo his due. Trejo's, one of director Rodriguez's favorite stock players in such films as; Desperado, Dusk Till Dawn.  He plays the title role in this drive-in epic (if they were still around) for all it's worth. As the legendary Machete, a incorruptible Mexican Federale (really!) who proves that he's not just a pretty face... and they don't call this guy Machete for nothing! You'll probably never see so many severed body parts in any movie on either side of the border.  Machete, is one of the most ultra-macho, over the top, gonzo movies that can recall ever seeing?... but for a guy who grew up with macho films like;Sergio Leone's A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS, or Sam Peckinpah's BRING ME THE HEAD OF ALFREDO GARCIA... it's just what the doctor ordered. Granted Rodriguez is no Leone or Peckinpah... but he is Rodriguez, and like Edmund O'Brien said to Robert Ryan at the end of THE WILD BUNCH; "It ain't like it used to be, but it'll do.

Segal slips into David Carradine territory!

Like most of Rodriguez's films, Machete is basically a modern day western (again fine with me.) And like his other movies, it's filled with incredibly "hot" women and a shit load of assorted nasty characters. All are after Machete, who has been living as an illegal day laborer on the Texas side of the boarder, after a double-cross that costs him his badge and his wife, her head!

My Files Show: This is the Hottest Immigration Agent on Record!

Michelle Rodriguez : My Kinda Taco Truck Gal!

The 60 something Trejo's love interests are; Jessica Alba as a "hot" immigration agent (featuring a very nice shot of her standing in a shower! Bravo, director Rodriguez!) Michelle Rodriguez (no relation to the director, as a "hot" taco truck lady and Lidsey Lohan (pretty much playing... you guessed it? Herself... if you get my drift?)

As nice as these ladies are to look at; I think that the most fun is seeing Rodriguez's assortment of bad guys... seeing all these familiar (some now fat) faces chewing up the scenery is a hoot. First you have Bobby De Niro (the greatest actor his generation) hammy it up as a redneck U.S. Senator, complete with a LBJ Stetson cowboy hat (he must have did this one as a favor to Trejo? Who played one of his crew in HEAT.) Big Steven Segal (and I do mean; BIG!) plays Torres, a Mexican drug kingpin (in the 70's & 80's this part would have been played by David Carradine) who was once Machete's Federale partner, before going over to the dark side and eating way too many tacos. Just to hear him speak Spanish is worth the price of the DVD rental alone! In the opening credits, he's billed as, introducing Don Johnson (why ask?) another guy a long way away from his 1980's sex symbol glory days. He plays a deranged black clad (and still looks fat in black?) redneck, who patrols the border with his mirrored sunglasses and "Elvis sideburns" looking for illegals along with his vigilante posse.

Yes, Virgina... introducing Don Johnson!

Villains: Fahey and Trejo's loyal pal, Bobby D.

This Former Pretty Boy Actor, makes a Hell of a Bad Guy!!

Cult actor, Tom Savini makes an appearance as a hit man who advertises his services on TV. My favorite of the bunch is Jeff Fahey (LAWNMOWER MAN) as De Niro's evil right hand man, who has aspirations of his own, as well as impure thoughts about daughter Lohan. This is a role that would have been played in the exploitation heyday by Stuart Whitman. All these guys are wonderful villains (although I'd like to get a couple of them on a major diet and a strict work out plan!) And add Cheech Marin as Machete's priest "bro" and you got yourself a party!

These ain't for making carne asada!

But make no mistake; Machete is Danny Trejo's flick. With  marvelous craggy face and all them crazy tattoos, it's no wonder that this 60-something actor is doing love scenes with, Alba, Rodriguez and Lohan (Hey! Some cats are ageless!) Oh, and one more thing... "Machete don't text."